It's strange or even cruel on how I can feel good over other peoples wrong doing/misfortune. Usually I feel sorry and bad. Well, I'm a romantic, I can actually cry watching winners on Supermarket Sweep because I feel their joy at that winning moment, winning millions of dollar. So how can I be so cold???
Since I was a little girl, one thing I learned was that anything that looks or sound to good to be true, usually are to good to be true. And I don't know whether I am being defensive or permissive or trying to justify my actions, I always feel religion is personal and private that other people should not get involved with. How can people judge or intervere with something that does not have anything to do with them today, tomorrow and in the after life. Who gives you the right to judge other people? To interfere? We as humans don't actually know exactly what is really right or wrong. And I believe that everybody is born into this world with a specific role that they have to perform. Most probably, it is so the world will be balanced and interesting enough for me and you to live in. Bad and good, devils and angels must live side by side in order to create the yin yang's of life. Balance.
Since I was a little girl, one thing I learned was that anything that looks or sound to good to be true, usually are to good to be true. And I don't know whether I am being defensive or permissive or trying to justify my actions, I always feel religion is personal and private that other people should not get involved with. How can people judge or intervere with something that does not have anything to do with them today, tomorrow and in the after life. Who gives you the right to judge other people? To interfere? We as humans don't actually know exactly what is really right or wrong. And I believe that everybody is born into this world with a specific role that they have to perform. Most probably, it is so the world will be balanced and interesting enough for me and you to live in. Bad and good, devils and angels must live side by side in order to create the yin yang's of life. Balance.
In today's post, I wanted to share with you how someone's misfortune made me feel better about myself.
All my life I've always been honest about who I am. The good and the bad. I just avoid or hide somewhere from anyone until my problems are solved. Well, I am also not a religious person (in the standard of general public) in the sense that, yes - I'm a muslim, but I don't pray 5 times a day and I love to drink alcohol, party at night, take designer drugs occassionally (a long time ago when I was at my prime fresh 20's), loves fashion and beautiful things and adores the opposite sex. But beyond all that chaotic hobby, I have a passion for social work, friendship, books, admiration for peoples success and (actually) have a strong believe in God. I respect and appreciate people, and if I have a super rich husband I would really quit my job to do as much social work as possible to help the less fortunate and make this world a better place to live in. Where everybody have equal opportunity and intimidation of any kind is non existence. I am a hard worker that believes integrity and mutual benefit is religion in work ethics.
Anyway, me being me, I allowed people to judged and precondition me as on the red side of the court. I even once broke up with a boyfriend because he couldn't see beyond the cover. He saw me with his eyes not with his heart. People say I am a bad muslim and I will definitely go to hell. I even felt like I belonged in the circle of the third class citizens, especially amongst "religious" people wearing the veil or those that pray's 5 times a day plus all the other prayers available. One time, in the previous agency I've worked at, the client service director who obviously wore a veil ask everyone "who would you believe, a Lia or a woman that wears a veil like me?" - she answered "definitely the veiled woman" (as usual I just laugh like the devil I am). Due to the way I dressed and my affectionate personality, it's so easy for people to say I'm a slut or I'm easy. But you know what? It's only perception, it's what people want me to be...in reality, it's not easy for a guy to sleep with me. Just ask anyone who actually had tried in the past or even today. I may look care free and easy, but in reality I'm not. I was actually surprised that a friend of mine (she wears veil on a daily basis), during the fasting month of Ramadan, actually cheated on her husband and slept with another guy in a motel. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!!! I couldn't even believe it when she told me. I was in shocked!!! Wow, how lucky she is to be able to do it and still be perceived as "a good muslim". But isn't it being hypocrite??? I may be walking on the red side, but one thing I'm not is a hypocrite. I am what I am. Honest to death about it. You can hate me but one thing I would never do is lie to you, especially about who I am. I may not be a good wife or mother, but I never paint a different image of myself to my husband and son. I don't pretend but why am I the bad one. If to be good in your eyes I have to deny who I am and lie, I rather be an honest devil and not be liked by you. As, as a muslim I know that I have to answer to only God for all my actions, good or bad. My responsibility is to Him and not all the hypocrites in this world that uses God's name to intimidate people like me to feel as if I am not worthy to stand and live in the same level as they are. I am not saying I am right, what I am saying is no one has the right to teach people to be hypocrite. We should empower people to be what they want to be, love and respect each individuals uniqueness, as the unique in each person is the treasure of the world for us to pick, digest and absorb the essence to help you develop into the best person you can be in this life and after.
Another incident that made me feel better about myself is...
The end of last year I became free. AA Gym, a well known wise muslim leader did something naughty. He had an affair and later on marries her but kept his wife. This incident would be normal if it had happened to me or any normal person. But this happened to him, a religious leader, someone who kept advocating to love and respect your spouse and to never hurt them. And he broke all his teaching. He even said something as stupid as "how can I advocate against polygamy, if I myself have not yet experienced it. He said it on national TV. And he said that he's only human. This point is what made me furious...how can he say that he's only human??? If he took (dare to take) the role of religious leader and enjoyed all the power that comes with it (believe me - it's powerful), how can he not take the responsibility of not be careless in whatever he does as he was whom people look up to and laid their hopes on. He was hope for Islam in Indonesia. I can't believe that he did something that is far worst than what I would've done. At least I am not a hypocrite, I am what you see. I don't hide my bad side to anyone.
If a person as "mighty religious" as AA Gym can do that...it means that I am not as bad as what people say...I'm actually not bad at all...I am just more honest and open about it. I am not ashamed of who I am. Learnings number 1.
Learnings number 2, believe and follow only God, as He would never dissappoint you as human does. He would stand to what He says, promised or cursed. I have always relied on God, spoken to only Him when I'm lost, and he has never left me stranded or hopeless. He always gave ways to solve and make things better. I believe in Him and only Him, as only the best comes from Him.
No one is really better than you. Do good, work hard, have integrity, stay positive, believe in yourself and God, and (insya allah) everything will go right. Amien.
Don't feel less about yourself just because you are different. You are unique and you should be thankful that you are. Embrace and appreciate.
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