One day when I was watching Oprah in an episode about Kristin Armstrong's (Lance Armstrong's ex wife) new book "Happily ever after". A story about her marriage and divorce with Lance and her struggle to find her true self back. In their conversation, Oprah mentioned that, "when you come to think about it, the biggest conspiracy in the world is marriage". No one ever, not even our mothers, sisters or best friends would ever spill on what really happens after the wedding day. More often, they will start saying, "Marriage is hard work" only after we are married and discovers problem and goes to them to find answers or their secrets for a happy marriage. Well, finally they all will say and admit the truth of what happened after the wedding day. Now I know why even in fairy tales everything stops after the VO says, "and they live happily ever after" - THE END. That's how Cinderella, Snow White ends their story. So, what happened with prince charming? It's a mystery...but I don't think the charming is ever after. Hhhmmm...Well, I'm not the expert in marriage. But one thing I know is that are no science, logic, or anything that will ensure that you have a fairy tale marriage. You know why? Because you are marrying a human being. Humans are humans. There is no logic to it. We are different and unique. Each one of us. So, I don't even think you should buy any self help books, as they won't be relevant to you. You will end up experiencing all the opposite. Because no matter how perfect you choose your couple, at the end of the day, it's about whether you can appreciate her/him and not seduced by your neighbours greener lawn. And human nature has always been envy, even after you actually have the best.
I can say this with confident and actually believed in what I've said, because I had experienced it. When I was younger till a few months before my wedding day, all of my relationships was hurtful. I was always madly head over heels in love and always dumped at the end. It was terrible. So, based on my experienced, I closed shop my heart and used logic for a husband. I noted the things I hated during my relationships and made sure that all things that can caused it will be thrown out the window. The first was my feeling. I did not want to love as I don't want to feel the pain of insecurity, of waiting for your lover to come home, etc. So I had to have a husband that loves me more. I also needed someone that is far different than me so I will always find him interesting as we come from different background.
Bla, bla, bla...I got what I want and I married him.
Fast forward now, 7 years after our marriage and I am here miserable, unhappy and lonely. Do you know why? Not loving someone is actually really tiring, especially when you have to live with them. Too nice is boring. Now we don't communicate with each other at all. What we have in common is only our son. I am emotionally abused and trapped in this marriage because he is the perfect father. I have to think of my son now more then myself. His well being and happiness is priority. I can't say I'm a good mother as I am the bread provider of the family. I have less time to spend with him. I am exhausted and I need someone to save me. My knight in shining armour.
Marriage. It's an illusion. It's a conspiracy. It's the biggest one. I know as I'm in it now.
If you love someone, you might lose yourself. If you don't love someone, you'll be empty. A question I asked everyday, "will I find my soul mate?", "is there even such thing as a soul mate?", "will I be given a chance to be in a loving relationship?", "will I find my love", "will I find someone who wants to die for me?", "is this only happening to me?"...so many questions unanswered.
Do you know?
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