sucked out

Have you ever felt like your energy are being sucked out of your entire body? Today I felt it. I couldn't think, no mood, no nothing. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh either. To many disappointments, I guess. One after another.

It started with a weird feeling of sadness in the beginning of the week. When I was on the way to work on Monday, suddenly in front of Kartika Chandra jl. Gatot Subroto, J's memories came back to haunt me. I felt like he was actually near me, saying something that I couldn't understand but I know I automatically felt sad. I missed him again after 2 years apart. Once I sat on my desk, opened my laptop...and an msn appeared. The message made me feel numb. I'm neither sad nor angry nor happy. I wanted to cry but couldn't. So, you're finally getting married. So fast so little time. I couldn't believe that my wish just didn't come true. You and me finally together, living happy ever after till death do us part. Our story, the end. Half of me, my soul, gone.

Yesterday, a hunched that was true reality. My eyes may be weak but my ears and nose are functioning beyond its capacity. I heard a familiar voice in the next room. Questions came into my head..."Is it really her?"..."Interview or freelance?"...a phone call and no answer. She called back. She denied. She lied. But she finally confessed. "It was an interview"..."I want it now", she said. Disappointed I am to know that our efforts meant nothing to a person we cared enough for us to fight and kill ourselves to always give her what makes her happy. Having a dream and to follow it to achieve it, is not wrong. It's great. But in life, whatever you do, you have to do it the right way. The simplest rule is to appreciate and respect other people, especially the one that has helped you. Ethics is key. Don't think to highly of yourself. Don't learn from the wrong people, the wrong source.

I took this quote from a fellow Asia 21, Bam Aquino:

"Self actualization to giving up yourself."

You actually find yourself when you give yourself to others and you’ll become a better person by denying yourself.

Bam also said the following about public service which I think applies to everything we do in life. Ego is not for this lifetime.

"Courage. We have to be courageous enough to follow...and make it work. Second is integrity. Because we need more people who have integrity who would not be bought by power or money. Third is diligence. Because nothing comes easy that is why we have to work hard. Fourth is humility. Be humble enough to know when you’re wrong. Be humble enough when things have to change. But most of all, be humble enough as there are people who also want to help. "

All the effort, all the emotional tantrum, all the fight. I placed my passion to you. A wise man believed in you and went his way to lobby for you to get what you want. "Is being honest not good enough?" "Do you really prefer sweet words of lies and over promises?". As passionate I was to support your dream and passion. As passionate also I am now, not to acknowledge your existences. Not exact God's words (but more or less) "the value of reward equals to the value of good deeds done" "besarnya rezeki bergantung pada besarnya pahala yang kita lakukan"

I'm tired. I will now switch the focus of my energy somewhere else. You have found your way. Good luck on your journey. My pain, my gain as I am happy once more.